Born in 1947 a ten pound four ounce baby boy! It only took me four years to realise that something was very wrong. Something was 'different' about me. As I played in the back garden and watched the little girl next door I knew for certain that that was how I should be. But people kept telling me I was a boy and eventually I had to believe them. At infants school I was happy. After all there were as many girls as boys, and it was the girls I chose to be with, it was the girls parties I was invited to, and I really believed that one day I'd wake up and they would realise that I was a girl. Then junior school and segregation of the sexes! I couldn't even see the girls any more as they were behind a huge fence; far too tall for the now underweight and undersized child I had become. I knew I should be the other side of that fence and I hated it. Then the eleven plus examination and despite being pretty average at most things I managed to pass, due entirely to a ludicrously high mark in the IQ section
(the highest in Croydon that year). Surprise, surprise, it was another all male school. By this time I was well into 'borrowing' my mum's clothes and trying them on. I didn't have any girlfriends while I was school. I was basically just too shy. Ask a girl out? No chance! Even when I left school and started work in London I still hadn't got the courage. When I did get to talk to girls, they just seemed to treat me as if I was some strange creature without a sex. Quite nice, but not the sort of boy they'd want to go out with and not a girl like them. I never had a homosexual relationship either, although I had a number of offers.
That wasn't what I was looking for. Life was pretty dreadful. The other boys at school didn't want to know me and my mother's over-protectiveness didn't help one little bit. I became withdrawn and depressed. All this time I cross-dressed at every possible chance but it was always closet, never openly, never able to go outside the door. And it was never enough.
I finally did meet a girl who seemed to like me and within months we were married. Within a few more months we were unmarried again. Total disaster! One of the things I can remember from that time is her saying to me, `I'd like you as a sister, but I don't want you as a husband any more'. Out of a marriage and into the clutches of anti-depressants. I ran the gambit, then I started to hoard them up and began to take three and four times the prescribed dosages, mixing the tablets in some sort of crazy cocktail. It didn't do any good, or any harm for that matter, not that I'd advise others to do the same. Finally I told my doctor about my feelings and asked to see a psychiatrist. It was the mid-seventies and things were very different then!
I ended up with a psychologist who put me into group therapy. A really strange group; five men all of whom cross-dressed and three women. Two of the girls went for me in a big way. One was real scary, married to a very jealous Greek guy, and although she hated the thought of me cross-dressed she was willing to accept that if I’d go with her. I gave in once, and to be honest, it was nothing special. The other girl who came on to me had been with cross-dressers before and loved it.
We went together for a while and then I dumped her. Why? Perhaps I was getting too close to the truth. She is certainly the only girl I've ever dumped. Two years into the therapy they suddenly stopped the group. No reason; nothing to take its place; just stopped.

Then I met Linda.

It was a blind date arranged by a girl at work, and it was wonderful. I'd found someone who loved me for who I was, and I fell madly in love with her. I told her that I enjoyed dressing and although she didn't understand it, she was willing to indulge me from time to time. We married in December 1977. Linda gave me the strength to fight my gender dysphoria for another 21 years … but the truth will out. In September 1998 something happened that finally flipped the switch in my mind and allowed me to admit the truth at last. A simple question “What is it for you, is it the clothes?” and a simple answer, “No, it’s just right, it’s natural, it’s how things should be”. Everything suddenly fitted into place. All those thoughts that I’d pushed back into my unconscious mind came flooding back. I'd never called myself a transvestite or cross-dresser, always transgendered, now I knew why. The clothes had never been enough, makeup, wigs and jewellery didn’t make any difference. It was all so false.
The barriers were down and I knew that I could not go on living a lie. The day after I realised the true situation, I told Linda that I thought I was transsexual. Our world collapsed. She had no way of handling this change and I was just as unprepared as she was. A phone call to Stacy Novak who runs the transgender support group TransLiving (previously TransEssex) and a long, long talk a few days later did nothing to change my suspicions. I was desperate for this to be untrue, desperate that it would just be a passing phase, and that I'd suddenly realise how stupid I was. I drove down to Essex praying that she would tell me I was wrong. After all, there are tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of cross dressers, but how many transsexual people are there? Surely I couldn't be one? No, not me. This is what you read about in the Sunday papers, not something that happens to ME! Stacy was brilliant and offered to talk to Linda as well, which she did shortly afterwards. She laid it squarely on the line. Told us all the problems, how unlikely it was that we'd stay together, everything. If only it were that simple, but it isn't.
I felt that I was betraying Linda and decided to fight on, but my resolve didn't last long.

Three awful months later I accepted a referral to see Russell Reid; probably the best gender psychiatrist in Britain; and in January had my first appointment. People had told me to go as Emma; almost begged me to go as Emma; but I just wasn't ready. So it was Martin that Linda accompanied to Earls Court on that day. It made no difference at all. I left his clinic clutching a prescription for hormones and started on them within days. A week of euphoria and then into the depths of depression with a vengeance. I’d been warned that the hormones would be like going through puberty and the menopause at the same time, and I’d known that this would be the worst part. I’ve always been highly emotional and prone to depression so I was pretty sure that this would be bad. But nothing had prepared me for just how bad it turned out to be. How Linda stayed with me over those coming weeks is beyond me. I was hell to live with. She has seen me smashing my head against a wall and crawling on the ground screaming at the top of my voice and crying so much that I thought that my eyes would burst, begging for God to let me die. In February I hit an all time low and unfortunately this time I had enough wits about me to know what I was doing.
I walked downstairs into the kitchen and took a carving knife from the drawer. With every ounce of strength I possessed I plunged the knife into my stomach again and again. When I pulled the knife back I realised that there was no blood on the blade. I stood there and stared at it. I just didn't understand what had happened. Was I dead? Was this some strange afterlife? Why was there no blood? I still don't know why the blade failed to pierce the skin. I can only believe that something, maybe my unconscious, prevented it happening for a reason. Is that reason to help others? I don’t know, but I really do hope so.
Linda knew nothing about it until the following day when she saw the five beautiful Technicolor bruises on my stomach.
Proof of the miracle that had saved my life.

Things gradually levelled themselves out and days slipped into weeks. I had still never been out in daylight dressed and it was getting close to my second appointment with Russell. The electrolysis was going well and I was beginning to feel more confident. I knew I had to go down to London this time as Emma. On April 7th I plucked up enough courage to venture into Cambridge on a shopping trip. I was so nervous as I drove to the Park and Ride, but as soon as I got out of the car, the nerves were gone. At last I was ‘ME’. I strolled up to join the queue for the bus, paid my fair and happily took my seat ready for the journey into town. Soon a woman sat down beside me and a crowded bus started its journey.
Three and a half-hours later I was the owner of a gorgeous long jacket from Wallis and a number of other bits and pieces.
Back in the car I just felt like yelling out loud. No smirks, no giggles, no funny looks, it had been an amazing success.

Friday 23rd April. The big day, and Emma’s first trip to London. Sandra, the lady who owns the beauty salon where I have my electrolysis was going to do my makeup for me, but it meant going into the salon for the first time as Emma, and with no makeup on either! As her salon is above my hairdressers and they share the same reception area it was a bit scary.
When I came out all the nerves were gone. Even I thought I looked good. The train journey to London was uneventful with me engrossed in a magazine. The inspector said “Thank you madam” as he checked my ticket. It’s silly little things like that, that feel so good. I had a great day in and around Oxford Street and it was so good to use the ladies toilets without a murmur while I sorted out my makeup. A quick tube ride to Earls Court and it was my second session with Russell. I really enjoyed the session, he is so easy to talk to, and he added anti-androgens to my prescription as I’d hoped he would. An uneventful journey home and as I caught my reflection in the lounge mirror I just stared at the enormous smile which had spread across my face and watched as one tiny tear slowly formed in each eye and trickled down my face. I can honestly say that I have never been as happy in my entire life.

Life has not been easy since then for either Lin or myself, but we have come through it so far. In May we recorded a short documentary for Channel 4 on our desire to stay together through my transition. It was televised in December 1999 as past of the ‘My Millennium’ series. Linda’s Millennium wish, which I only heard for the first time when we were being filmed, was “That Emma and I stay together and support one another in the future as Martin and I did in the past”. The film was also shown at the 3rd International Transgender Film Festival in London in October 1999. Prior to it’s first screening Linda and I were invited to a private viewing by the Film Company, which is; I’m told; unheard of. The Commissioning editor at Channel 4 has apparently said that it is the best film she has ever seen on the subject.

In June, I started rlt (real life test). The immediate effect was that the relationship between Linda and I started to change, but surprisingly it changed in a very positive way. All the time I was Martin one day, Emma another, we were in a sort of twilight world, never knowing who or what we were. Once Emma had arrived to stay life became more stable.
We both knew where we stood and realised that we still loved each other very deeply. It became clear to us that our feelings for each other were perhaps something very rare and special, something more than love.

In July, I started Speech Therapy at Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge. So many transsexual people seem to have similar voices and I made the point at the start of my therapy that I didn’t want to end up with what I call a ‘transsexual voice’.
My therapist was brilliant and recognised what I was saying and why the voice was so important to me (I guess it’s just another example of my life long perfectionism). I am really pleased with the results and now have a voice that is always assumed to be female.

In October I recorded my second TV programme, this time the subject was Hypnotherapy and Past Life Regression.
It was televised on January 6th 2000 and I was very pleased with the result.

Back in May 1999 I asked for Psychotherapy to help me through the time of transition. After assessments with two different Psychiatrists, both of who offered me NHS referrals to Charring Cross GIC, I was eventually offered counselling and psychotherapy, again at Addenbrookes. I finally started my sessions in February 2000. Had I been in my mid twenties, as I was when I first asked for help, I may have been willing to take the NHS route and accepted the referral to Charring Cross, but I’m afraid that the NHS failed me then. They have since done much to make up for their earlier mistakes and strange therapy, but I am now in my early fifties and the years I have ahead of me are very precious. I need to complete my transition to give ‘Me’ as much of that time as possible.

We have now told all our friends and family. The reaction has, unsurprisingly, been very mixed, but on the whole it has been positive. Unfortunately we have lost some friends along the way and a couple of my closest relatives now refuse to speak to me, or even say my name. However the ones who have accepted Emma more than make up for those who could not come to terms with our situation.

I have recently been referred for surgery and hopefully my transition will be completed this summer.
 
 

© Emma Michelle Martin 2000 et al and Elevated Therapy - All Rights Reserved
e-mail: emma@cwcom.net     Tel: 01353 698397

Emma Michelle Martin (additional information)

Born: Martin Anthony Packer in Croydon, Surrey, England 7/7/47

Education & Qualifications:
Trinity School of John Whitgift, Croydon (6 'O' levels)
Mensa entrance exam passed with IQ of 160
I was offered a place at Croydon Art College but turned it down (big mistake).
NVQ level 3 in Owner Management – Business Planning
Diploma in Counselling, Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy (MNACHP)
Full member of the Institute for the Management of Information Systems (MISIS)

Career: After jobs in a London bank, as a sales rep and a trainee media executive for an advertising agency, I was left with the choice of two very different jobs which were offered to me on the same day. One was as a cartographer for the Land Registry and the other was as a trainee Computer Programmer. It was 1967.
I took the Programmers job and started a 32-year career in computers. Prior to starting my own business a few years ago I was I.T. Manager with Chivers Hartley (Britains largest manufacturer of preserves … jam/pickle etc). I now run a small software development company. After some problems at the end of last year we now look to be in much stronger shape with a new release of our software just released.

Counselling/Hypnotherapy: In 1995 I went to see a hypnotherapist about a food related problem. During one session where he had regressed me to a very early point in my life, I suddenly found myself looking through someone else's eyes. I had spontaneously regressed to a 'past life'. After that incident I was hooked. We visited her life a number of times after that initial incident and I was able to obtain many names, dates and places. Her story is a beautiful tragic love story with some very surprising twists in it. I was so intrigued that I took a course with the NACHP (National Association of Counsellors, Hypnotherapists and Psychotherapists) and two years later became a qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist in my own right.
I am now membership secretary for the NACHP, a post that was offered to me before they had ever met Emma but after they were told of my transsexual status, an excellent example of counsellors living up to their standards of being non-judgemental.

Hobbies: I don't have much time for hobbies, but do enjoy writing including poetry and drawing/painting. I love gardens but am a little averse to all the hard work involved. I love music (wide range) and dancing. I am a life long supporter of Crystal Palace FC (well someone has to be). I love designing (clothes, interiors and gardens).

Transgender Organisations: I am a member of a number of Transgender support groups including The Gender Trust and The Gender Identity Research and Education Society. I am also a local activist with Press For Change, and Linda and I have provided support for other couples wanting to remain together after a partner’s transition.

The Future? I have been in computing far too long and would love to concentrate on counselling and hypnotherapy, working in my two main specialist areas of  'Past Life' therapy and the problems encountered by transgendered people and their families.
I am hoping to turn the story of Penelope, the girl of my own Past Life Regressions (PLR's) combined with my own story into a book. I feel it would make a superb and totally unique film. If there's anyone out there who'd like to fund the project I'd be only too happy to hear from you! A copy of the original 4-part article that I wrote about the PLR sessions is available on request.
It was originally published in 'Reflections International' and is also available on the Elevated Therapy web site.
 

© Emma Michelle Martin 2000 and Elevated Therapy et al - All Rights Reserved
e-mail: emma@cwcom.net     Tel: 01353 698397